This play was written by Jacob to “win” his game. It was performed on December 10th in the Sunken Lounge of the Dining Center. Here’s a brief clip of the prologue…

Cast of Characters

Germanimachus, a god
Mulligides, a god
Chorus of Athenian Citizens
Thrasykles, an Athenian
Aristodoros, an Athenian
Propoleos, sortitioned President of the Ekklesia
Herald, the Herald
Athena, patron goddess of Athens

Scene – The Athenian Agora

Time – The present (aka 403 BCE)

ACT I

Scene 1

(Scene: Within the Agora in post-war Athens. The space is empty, both of living and inanimate things. Two gods, GERMANIMACHUS and MULLIGIDES, creep in, trying not to be noticed. Realizing there is no one else around, they stop, relax, and begin to talk.)

GERMANIMACHUS

So, Mulligides, you’ve heard the news then?

MULLIGIDES

Indeed I have, Germanimachus. The gravest of the century, to be sure.

GERMANIMACHUS

And who do we have to blame but ourselves?

MULLIGIDES

How do you mean?

GERMANIMACHUS

Well, we certainly did not do anything to stop the war. We did not help our favored Athens, we did nothing to hinder the despise’d Spartans. Surely, we have failed this beloved city.

MULLIGIDES

Ah, what I had not seen before, I do see now. What poor gods we are. “Poorest of gods,” they shall call us. And not “poor” in a financial sense, oh no… but rather as in the “awful” sense. Woe be to the city that should worship me!

GERMANIMACHUS

You speak absurdity! Stop immediately. Now we may have perhaps not come through in full upon our obligations to this particular polis-

MULLIGIDES

Woe!

GERMANIMACHUS

-but we have the perfect opportunity to absolve ourselves of this guilt!

(He whispers excitedly to MULLIGIDES, who whispers excitedly back. The two have a brief exchange, then smile at each other knowingly.)

MULLIGIDES

What a perfect plan! Flawless, impeccable. Now would you like to explain it (Acknowledging the audience) to them?

GERMANIMACHUS

Why should mere mortals be kept abreast of the plans of the gods? They will know our intentions soon enough.

MULLIGIDES

I am satisfied to leave it so. We shall reconvene upon the morrow, then!

GERMANIMACHUS

And our redemption shall begin.

MULLIGIDES

I wait with baited breath!

(The gods exit in a godly fashion.)

Scene 2 – Choral Entry Song

(The CHORUS of Athenian citizens enters, chanting.)

CHORUS

Come, dearest audience, and join as we mourn,
This defeat of mother Athens in 404.
Much as that was a year ago,
We still wallow in much sorrow.
Not to mention that this date is in “BCE,”
A dating system that makes no sense to me.
For why would I think of this present time of Hera
Of being Before some unknown Common Era?

Now, in the aftermath of our defeat,
Many of us have taken to the street,
As we prepare to engage in debate,
Over our own country’s fate.
Government, welfare, all issues are fair game,
To undergo change or just stay the same.
So off we go, us citizen men,
To go sit in the Ekklesia again.

Scene 3

(The members of the CHORUS proceed to mill about the Agora, as the GODS creep in, unnoticed, from opposite sides of the stage. They do not notice one another and try to find the other.)

MULLIGIDES

Germanimachus!

GERMANIMACHUS

Mulligides!

(The two finally catch sight of each other and cross to meet up. Their presence continues to go unacknowledged.)

MULLIGIDES

Splendid, the first part of our plan is complete, for indeed we have reconvened upon the morrow, the morrow being today, as we had decided to do when last we met!

GERMANIMACHUS

I cannot dispute such logic, though our plans are certainly far from reaching fruition.

MULLIGIDES

Now let us move on to the second stage! Though we discussed it recently, I will reiterate it in full: in order to stop feeling guilty about our previous failures and validate ourselves as Gods of the Athenians, we will endeavor to advise them as they prepare to confront these great matters of state.

GERMANIMACHUS

Indeed. For by providing this aid, we will most certainly help them to restore this great city to its former glory, but perhaps it may even surpass what it once was. How grateful they will be!

MULLIGIDES

I can hardly wait to behold the praises they shall offer in our names!

GERMANIMACHUS

Shall we go over what advice we will give them?

MULLIGIDES

I don’t think we need to… after all, we are gods. We think alike.

GERMANIMACHUS

Splendid. Let us go, then.

(The two begin scouting around the Agora.)

MULLIGIDES

Which one to advise… what a dilemma!

GERMANIMACHUS

Ah, here’s the perfect fellow.

MULLIGIDES

I do believe I’ve found my man.

(GERMANIMACHUS approaches THRASYKLES, as MULLIGIDES approaches ARISTODOROS on opposite sides of the Agora.)

GERMANIMACHUS and MULLIGIDES

You there, son of Attica, heed this divine revelation.

THRASYKLES

What is this?

ARISTODOROS

Am I now in the presence of a god?

GERMANIMACHUS

Ask no questions. I come to offer valuable advice for you to bear to the Ekklesia today…

MULLIGIDES

…for Athens has indeed undergone a great, horrific defeat, and it is indeed only if the assembly legislates rightly that this city will indeed be returned to it’s former glory…

GERMANIMACHUS

…which is why I tell you that the government must be reconstructed in only one way – as that form of government which lives in the tradition of the highest ideals…

MULLIGIDES

…those of justice, rightness, and other synonyms for justice…

GERMANIMACHUS

…Democracy!

MULLIGIDES

…Oligarchy!

THRASYKLES

While I could question you, I trust in the divinity of the gods sufficiently that I take your word. Democracy shall be my cause. I will not rest until the Ekklesia has reestablished a democracy, and one even greater than ours from before! A savior, they shall hail me as. Thank you, divine one!

GERMANIMACHUS

Now go, man of the most beloved city.

THRASYKLES

I follow your bidding.

(He exits.)

ARISTODOROS

I know well enough to accept Olympus’ decree when it is given to me thus. I will then go as a stauchest Oligarch, consolidating power into the hands of fewer with each step I take. The Ekklesia shall surely approve, after all, who would be so foolish as to ignore the advice of the gods?

MULLIGIDES

Very true, one of the municipality more adored than most. The assembly awaits your wisdom.

ARISTODOROS

I shall not disappoint.

(He exits. The GODS reconvene.)

MULLIGIDES

I have been most successful in my task, the seeds are planted for a restoration most fantastic.

GERMANIMACHUS

As have I! I am so confident, in fact, that I see no need to enlist the aid of other men to further our agenda – the two we’ve picked will do just fine, wouldn’t you agree?

MULLIGIDES

Most certainly. So then let us go and prepare to watch the conclusion of this plan that cannot be botched.

(They exit.)

Scene 4 – Second Choral Song

CHORUS

You can’t fool me, there’s divinity about,
Most certainly utilizing their godly clout.
This could be a recipe for disaster,
Or it could make our deliberations faster.
Time will tell.

In the meantime, the time draws near,
To convene the Ekklesia here.
A sense of excitement fills the air
and sends chills up into one’s hair.
What to expect? We do not know…
Let me find out; we’ll ask this man here – Hello!

Scene 5

(THRASYKLES has entered. He stops, as the CHORUS LEADER steps forward.)

THRASYKLES

Greetings, my fellow Athenians.

CHORUS LEADER

Noble Thrasykles, son of Akakios, why do you hurry to the assembly with such verve?

THRASYKLES

I have been enlightened, I know how Athens must proceed to regain her footing.

CHORUS LEADER

If this is indeed true, then I would be happy both for our city, and for you, for you shall be hailed as a hero.

THRASYKLES

The credit goes to the Gods, for one divine figure appeared before me to share his knowledge.

CHORUS LEADER

What a miraculous occurrence! Might I ask you what he told you?

THRASYKLES

That Athens needs Democracy now more than ever. But you shall hear more in the Ekklesia, for now I must be off. See you shortly.

(He exits.)

CHORUS

Good for him, but what’s this? Oh my…
Here comes another with the same twinkle in his eye.

(ARISTODOROS enters.)

CHORUS LEADER

Revered Aristodoros, son of Lysias, what brings you down the street with such excitement?

ARISTODOROS

I have been enlightened, I know how Athens must proceed to regain her footing.

CHORUS LEADER

This statement rings with familiarity. What have you heard that lets you make such a bold proclamation?

ARISTODOROS

A god himself has come before me to tell me that Oligarchy is to be our governmental savior – but I cannot stay to chat, I must prepare to share my revelation with the assembled body!

(He exits.)

Scene 6 – Third Choral Song

CHORUS

These two men seem to have been deceived,
By some mischievous godly deed.
How this has happened, I knoweth not,
Whether gift or curse we have here caught.

But something about this does not make sense,
Why the gods have spoken to these men hence.
I’ll keep my mouth shut as the Ekklesia convenes,
For what is truly going on here remains to be seen.

Now gather, Athenians! Come to this place,
Where the people debate with the utmost grace,
With more dignity than the most dignified whore,
And that’s where we’ll cease this metaphor.

Scene 7

(ALL EXCEPT THE GODS enter and arrange themselves around the stage. PROPOLEOS takes his place in front of the assembled. The HERALD begins his business.)

HERALD

Mighty gods of Olympus, accept this pig that we sacrifice to you so that you may keep us in your favor as we undertake this serious business of the state. Watch over us and protect us from our foes, so that we may prosper and regain our former glory.

(Kills the pig.)

PROPOLEOS

Thank you very much, Herald. I am Propoleos, whom the fates have selected via sortition to be the President of today’s Ekklesia. I hereby call this session of the assembly to order. I remind all of you to heed these normal rules of order, specifically in regard to conduct and time limits on speech: first…

(PROPOLEOS continues in silence, as the GODS enter.)

GERMANIMACHUS

I don’t see why you always insist getting here so late. The pig sacrifice is my favorite part!

MULLIGIDES

Yes, you’ve told me that many times, but I’ve told you just as many times that I can’t stand the sight of all that blood!

GERMANIMACHUS

But you could just shut your eyes.

MULLIGIDES

That wouldn’t help – I can’t stand the sound of it either.

PROPOLEOS

…and I reserve the right to eject whomever I please in the event that these rules are violated. Now, today we will discuss in what way our government would be best reestablished. I understand that this may be a sensitive subject for many of us, especially given the recent tyranny of the Thirty, but we must all keep a level head and an open mind. Any speakers on this topic, come forward now.

(ARISTODOROS AND THRASYKLES jump up, rush forward. ARISTODOROS reaches the front first.)

ARISTODOROS

My fellow Athenians, I come before you with the greatest of news, for I have been enlightened! The time under the Thirty was rough, no doubts about it. But, I have learned that, in order to make our state greater than it ever has before, we must create an oligarchy.

THRASYKLES

What?!

GERMANIMACHUS

What!?

THRASYKLES

You lie!

ARISTODOROS

What is this, Thrasykles? Do you contest my assertion?

THRASYKLES

Indeed I do, for I know that it is to the contrary – Democracy must be our way forward.

ARISTODOROS

Ignorant fool, what makes you speak so rashly?

THRASYKLES

I would ask the same question of you, my friend.

ARISTODOROS

Why, I am emboldened to speak by the gods themselves.

THRASYKLES

WHAT?!?!

GERMANIMACHUS

WHAT!?!?

ARISTODOROS

Yes, a god came to me while I was in the Agora earlier today and told me this so that I might bring it before you all.

THRASYKLES

This is preposterous, for I know that the gods support democracy – one came to me in the Agora and told me just that!

(The people buzz amongst themselves in discussion.)

GERMANIMACHUS

By Zeus’ thunderbolt, what did you do?

MULLIGIDES

I did just what I was supposed to! Go out and pick someone and tell him about the divinely sanctioned government!

GERMANIMACHUS

If that’s what you did, then what’s he doing talking about oligarchy?

MULLIGIDES

Well, that’s the divinely sanctioned government right?

GERMANIMACHUS

No.

MULLIGIDES

The one with all the isonomia?

GERMANIMACHUS

No, that’s democracy!

MULLIGIDES

Oops.

GERMANIMACHUS

OOPS?

MULLIGIDES

Then which one is oligarchy?

GERMANIMACHUS

The one with all the elitism and death!

MULLIGIDES

Oh… that’s a problem.

GERMANIMACHUS

You buffoon!

MULLIGIDES

Hey, hey, hey – let’s not lose it here. Yell at me later, if you must, but let’s figure this out right now.

GERMANIMACHUS

Fine, let’s go talk to the people and straighten this out.

(The GODS begin running around to members of the CHORUS, whispering in their ears. As soon as any member of the CHORUS is talked to, he begins talking to other members of the CHORUS.)

PROPOLEOS

This assembly will return to order! May I ask what the commotion is all about?

CHORUS LEADER

Sir, these men here assembled have just received a series of divine inspirations.

CHORUS A

Indeed, the gods have shone their light on us,
And given us the key.
The best government for the populus
Is Democracy!

CHORUS B

Falsehood, I do claim on you,
For a wondrous god has reached me too.
But his message is more convoluted,
And seems somewhat half-witted.
For he says that Athens needs the following:
The Long Walls rebuilt,
The Acropolis repainted,
A mission to Ionia for grain,
The institution of Tunic-less Tuesday -

PROPOLEOS

All right, this madness will cease immediately. Here is how I propose we move forward from here…

(PROPOLEOS continues in silence.)

GERMANIMACHUS

Please, I entreat you to tell me what that was.

MULLIGIDES

Well, I thought we were moving on from the whole government thing… it’s a lost cause! You’re living in the past!

GERMANIMACHUS

You know, I really fail to understand why we don’t just go over what we’re going to say before we go out amongst the people to say it.

MULLIGIDES

Yes, well, at least it leads to somewhat more sophisticated humor. You know, if Aristophanes wrote this play, we’d just be standing here shitting ourselves incessantly.

GERMANIMACHUS

That may be the first wise thought you’ve had today. But now things are getting desperate. We must do the unthinkable!

MULLIGIDES

You don’t mean…

GERMANIMACHUS

I do. And, because I guess that you are thinking of something completely different at the moment, allow me to explain: we must appear amongst the mortals.

MULLIGIDES

(Gasps.) That was something completely different from what I was thinking about!

GERMANIMACHUS

Shall we?

MULLIGIDES

If we must.

(The two assume human form. ALL gasp.)

PROPOLEOS

What is this? Who is he with the audacity to intrude upon the Ekklesia in such a manner?

MULLIGIDES

The same beings with the power to send you to Hades with a wink.

GERMANIMACHUS

Um, yes… dearest Athenians! Do not fear, for we are your gods! We have come to make all well again!

THRASYKLES

Wait, I recognize this man’s voice. He is the god who spoke to me earlier!

ARISTODOROS

Why, and the other one was the one who I heard!

GERMANIMACHUS

Yes, now we know there’s been some confusion, but we’re here to -

ARISTODOROS

Confusion? You have thrown us into utter chaos!

THRASYKLES

How could you do this to those filled with such devotion to you?

HERALD

I say we run them out of town. We have other gods, for indeed you are no Zeus or Athena!

(ATHENA enters to the shock of all.)

ATHENA

No, but I am!

GERMANIMACHUS AND MULLIGIDES

By Zeus!

ATHENA

You two have done enough work to undermine the efforts of these good people to pull themselves back from the brink of destruction and rebuild their once great city. For that, I relieve you of your duties to this polis. But that does not solve the problems of my beloved Athens, so here are my decrees: all shall be restored to how it was before the war. Democracy shall be reinstated, the Long Walls rebuilt. I will bring a good harvest, and there will be grain for all, with enough left over to reopen trade routes with other cities. Of course, this unfortunate episode will be completely forgotten by all and anyone who dares recall the events that transpired here today will face the wrath of a displeased goddess. Thus, Athena has spoken, thus this story ends. You two, come with me.

(ATHENA exits, taking the GODS with her. ARISTODOROS, HERALD, PROPOLEOS, and THRASYKLES exit in the opposite direction.)

Scene 8 – FINAL CHORAL SONG

CHORUS

Here it is we end our play,
As the sun sets on this day,
When two gods learned that the most harsh detention
Can follow poorly planned divine intervention.
Not that this lesson matters anyway,
Since “Culture and Crisis” ended yesterday.
So thus we leave you, have a good night,
And we hope you enjoyed the play filled with spite.

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